


Birds of a Feather

by SuperstitiousPigeons



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Crack, Gen, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Idiots, Like really stupid, Ridiculous, They touched the goo, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-12 10:55:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19945012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperstitiousPigeons/pseuds/SuperstitiousPigeons
Summary: Nicole Haught was bound and determine to do anything Waverly Earp asked of her, even if it involved spending the day with Wynonna. There had only been a handful of times when she had been relegated to Wynonna-duty, and each time had ended more bizarrely than the last.Sure, the first time they hung out in a morgue together the evening before she woke up in a hospital. The second time she had ended up so hungover that she almost forgot about a revenant being the possible baby daddy and still hadn't had any peppermint flavored alcohol to this day. The third time she had almost been forced to marry a gnome. This time? This time everything was going to run smoothly.





	Birds of a Feather

**Author's Note:**

> This is legitimately the dumbest thing I've ever written. I hope you enjoy it in spite of that.

She truly should have known that nothing good could come from spending a day with Wynonna, and yet, one doe-eyed pout from Waverly had her agreeing to leave work early to keep watch over the eldest Earp. Essentially, she was on Wynonna babysitting duty. While it was something that shouldn’t be necessary, Nicole was no idiot. If Wynonna had too much time on her hands without adult supervision, something bad was bound to come out of it. Whether that meant having to pick her up from a donut shop after a very public meltdown over the lack of frosting options or throwing her into the drunk tank while she slept off what was definitely near-alcohol poisoning. Regardless, Wynonna Earp was a force to be reckoned with.

This time she would be prepared though. No drinking, no demon hunting, and absolutely no gambling of any kind. She didn't want to end up in a situation that required her to explain to Waverly why they had lost Peacemaker to Gary, the toothless clown hooker. Her girlfriend was depending on her to keep Wynonna out of trouble. Time and time, she failed Waverly Earp with that task. This time, she knew she would be able to manage Wynonna though. She wasn’t going to let her love down.

And yet, there they were in the middle of a barren field searching for what was left of her dignity, more appropriate known as “Wynonna lost Doc’s favorite pistol in the midst of a fight.”

Or, even more aptly known as “Wynonna got angry, stole Doc’s treasured baby, and wasted the gun into the dried-up Purgatory River (not to be confused with the actual river that the county was named after).

“I swear it was around here,” Wynonna grumbled. Truthfully if it weren't for the unwavering love she had for Wynonna’s sister, she would be tempted to leave Wynonna to her own devices.

“Well, maybe you should have been mature with John Henry,” she explained while pinching the bridge of her nose. Had she known that she was going to be spending the day trekking through the outdoors, she would have changed out of her uniform. Instead she looked like some sort of law official that had gone off their rocker. Maybe she _had._

“ _Maybe you should have been mature_ ,” she heard Wynonna mock from behind her, and really? How childish could someone get? Apparently, Waverly had somehow acquired all the brain cells in that family, leaving Wynonna with nothing but sex jokes and a bad attitude.

“Seriously, Wynonna, I don't even know what to-”

“Haughty, look at this,” Wynonna interrupted. She wasn't really surprised about that either. Why wouldn't someone that constantly interrupted her intimate moments with Waverly also interrupt her while in the middle of taking? Heaven forbid-

“Seriously, look,” Wynonna oohed. Turning around to see what the brunette could possibly find interesting in the middle of nowhere, she gasped. While the image of Wynonna standing over the shimmering substance took away from the overall picture, the rainbow goo was calling to her.

“It looks like a unicorn,” she found herself muttering while walking over to the substance. Waverly would definitely be impressed with such the odd substance, but she couldn’t bring herself to text the girl about it. After all, the entire reason she was saddled down with Wynonna was because Waverly was busy doing some research with Jeremy. Of course, she knew that “research” was actually just a day where the two of them talked about their significant others and complained about how they were so often fighting for their lives and needed a vacation. You know, normal stuff that all couples deal with. 

“What,” Wynonna gasped, sending a glare her way before squatting down over the substance, “it's as black as my first love and as shiny as skin-tight leather. Does Nedley know that his protege is blind as shit?”

Two thoughts crossed her mind in that moment. One: they were clearing looking at two different things. Two: what the actual heck was Wynonna's first love? She realized she must have said the last part out loud when Wynonna stood up immediately and laughed.

“My first bike, you weirdo. What did you think?” A beat. “Oooooh. Red, I didn't know you thought such lewd things. I assumed you were like a virgin Mary.” She could feel her cheeks heating up, and while she knew that Wynonna would interpret it as embarrassment, she was actually just pissed off.

_Okay, that's it._

“I would assume that you would know that wasn't the case with as many times as you've walked in on me and your sister-

“La-la-la, I can't hear you,” she plugged her fingers into her ears for maximum effect. “Back to this sexy beast though,” she bent down again and stuck her hand out.

“Wynonna! Don't touch the goo,” Nicole shouted. After Mictian, she assumed that the Earp sisters would be smart enough to keep their hands to themselves around strange and otherworldly items and yet…

She knew that Wynonna was hopeless after her fingers hovered over the rainbow goo. She couldn't let Waverly down. She couldn't allow Wynonna to become possessed by some weird unicorn demon. “Earp, nooo,” she shouted before sprinting the rest of the way to the brunette.

Of course, it didn't matter. In her noble attempt at keeping Wynonna's hand away from the goo, both of their hands skimmed the surface of the substance. If she didn't turn into some sort of animal or a tree, she was going to murder Wynonna and beg Waverly to see her in prison, at least for a conjugal visit or two.

“You are such a shit, Wynonna,” she grunted before tackling the asshole Earp. Except, she didn't tackle Wynonna? She tackled... Herself?

“Oh fuck,” the Nicole clone murmured while looking at their body. It was bizarre to see herself palming at her own ass and breasts. “I'm a flatfoot,” her voice wailed.

_Wait a minute…_

“Wynonna?”

“Nicole? You're in me? Oh, that's what she said,” Wynonna (TBD?) snorted. She brought her hands to her face and let out an honest to God whine. There was no mistaking those hands: chipped black fingernail polish and all.

“Dang it, Wynonna,” she shouted into the vast void before the reality of the situation set it. Not only was she stuck in Wynonna's body and Wynonna in hers, but they were going to have to deal with Waverly. And as though Wynonna could read her thoughts (maybe she could as a side effect of this horrible curse)

_Wynonna, if you can read my mind pick your nose...my nose?_

Nothing.

“Nicole, we can't tell Waverly. I'm going to figure this,” she gestured at her own body, “out and she'll never have to know.”

“I can't lie to her, Wynonna,” Nicole sighed. How many times would she have to tell Wynonna that? With the amount of times that “don’t touch the goo” had been told to everyone working with Black Badge, however, she knew that most things said to Wynonna went in one ear and out the other.

“Tough luck, Red...err...shit. She can't know. You promised to keep us out of trouble and guess what? This screams trouble to me!” She wanted to cry. Truthfully, she wanted to curl up into a ball with Calamity Jane at her side while she watched ridiculous movies on Netflix. Worse case scenario, she was stuck in Wynonna Earp’s body. She could…leave the Ghost River Triangle and never look back.

No, she couldn’t do that. She would miss too much. Also, the fact that there could possibly be a warrant out there for Wynonna’s arrest was a good reason as well. She had been tempted a time or two to look Wynonna up in the database but was genuinely afraid of what she might find.

“Let's go then, Earp,” she sighed before walking back towards the cruiser. She had to do something, _anything_ productive. There was no way she could sit around just pretending to be Wynonna. She loved the girl. She really did. Everyone knew that they had a weird bond. But she did not love Wynonna enough to want to be her. Not only would she miss literally everything about her life, but Wynonna had some sort of weird problem going on in the butt region. The ass was top shelf, for sure, but something was itching. Did she have an STD? Jesus Christ, she wouldn’t be surprised.

“Why are you walking like that,” she heard her own voice call out from behind her. That was going to take some getting used to. No, hopefully they didn't have to get used to anything. Maybe there was some easy way to reverse this predicament.

“I think these pants are too tight. Something is stuck in my buttcrack,” she admitted before reaching for the keys in her utility belt. There was no use for modesty. Not when she was suddenly aware of the fact that if they didn’t get this issue resolved, she would have to bathe as Wynonna. At that thought her stomach sunk.

“Looking for these?” She spun around to see a cocky smirk on her own face before seeing the keys on her index finger. It was bizarre seeing such a look on her face. A part of her was weirdly jealous of the fact that of course, Wynonna looked better as Nicole Haught than Nicole Haught actually did.

“You cannot drive the cruiser. You aren't an officer of the law,” she sputtered.

“No, YOU aren't an officer, _Wynonna_ ,” she then proceeded to arch an eyebrow in what Nicole knew was a power move. Technically, she was Officer Nicole Haught, but her body was that of Wynonna Earp. So, she did the only thing she could in that situation. She walked to the passenger seat and sighed.

There had been a lot of oddities in her life since coming back to the Triangle, but this one, by far, took the cake. She could feel herself beginning to break down as she had to hold back tears. There was no way that she was going to let Wynonna see her cry over such a moronic situation.

She watched as Wynonna danced with glee at the idea of being in the driver seat of the cruiser as opposed to the back. Even though it was incredibly disturbing to see her own body maneuver in such odd ways, it was all so Wynonna that it was almost possible for her to look past the physical.

The redhead climbed in the patrol car and immediately turned the lights on upon starting the engine.

“No,” she reprimanded before turning the lights back off. “You're already on thin ice, Wynonna.”

“It's Officer Haught to you,” she mocked, and damn Wyn if she didn't sound just like her. “Also, you're wearing a thong. That's why you have something in your asscrack.”

“ _Ewwww._ ”

“Let’s go,” Wynonna purred while stroking at the steering wheel. “Buckle up,” she offered with a devilish smirk before throwing the car into drive and turning the sirens on.

“We didn't even find Doc's gun,” she mumbled to herself, trying to take her mind off of the fact that she was probably going to be fired from her job if Wynonna had anything to do with it.

“We have more important things to deal with, Nicole,” Wynonna shouted over the sirens. “This is so fun. Why don’t you always drive with these bad boys on?” She immediately turned the sirens and lights back off and watched what used to be her hands to ensure that they wouldn’t attempt to turn the mechanics back on. “Fun sucker.”

“This isn’t the time to have fun, Wynonna,” Nicole shouted before flinching at her own voice. It wasn’t hers. It wasn’t her screaming. It was Wynonna. It was truly sinking in.

They were completely, totally, and royally fucked.

She looked out the window at the passing scenery and hoped that Wynonna didn’t break a hundred laws trying to get to the homestead, or wherever it was they were going. She tried not to think about the endless outcomes related to the mess they had gotten themselves into, but it all played on a loop. Over and over. The most pressing of the issues was Waverly. She loved that girl with every fiber of her being. Every atom in her body, every cell, every firing synapse loved Waverly Earp without restraint. What would she ever do if stuck as Wynonna? They couldn’t be together. Not unless they moved to Alabama or something equally ridiculous, but even then, Waverly wouldn’t want her. Not in her sister’s body!

She couldn’t blame her. If she had siblings would she be able to spend her life with one of them had they somehow trapped Waverly’s mind in their body?

Maybe they could be together without the intimate bits? Surely Waverly would be okay with a sexless relationship as long as they were together?

_Who am I kidding?_

“Yo, sexy,” Wynonna called out in some vain attempt at a joke, “it’s going to be alright,” she finished, more serious. That only made Nicole want to break down even further. She could feel her insides twisting about and sincerely thought about having Wynonna pull over so that she could throw up. Maybe she could get rid of the goo that way? “Jeez, it’s like being in your body is making me a stick in the mud,” she finished.

“So what? I’m supposed to just drink my problems away? Or screw them?” It was a low blow. She knew it was. She could see the way Wynonna’s face fell (even if it was her own face) before hardening into something much more akin to anger. It was just so weird to see her own body in front of her eyes. Did she always look so stupid when she pouted? She just looked like a kicked puppy in the moment. How did Waverly ever take her seriously?

“Haught,” Wynonna took her eyes off the road briefly to look at Nicole, “we are going to figure this shit out. We always do. Now, get your shit together because I am not meant to be in charge during a shit show.”

She sighed and continued to look out the window. The town of Purgatory was coming into their field of view, which meant that Wynonna was making a stop before the homestead. She felt an odd vibrating feeling stirring from her leg and looked down. Wynonna really could pull off leather, she had to admit. She shook the offending leg and waited for something to happen.

_There_ , she thought, _what is that?_ She reached down and felt a warm sensation come over her as she made contact with _Peacemaker._

“Wynonna,” she frantically called. Could the gun accidentally kill her? She might have been in Wynonna’s body, but she was no Earp.

“What,” she growled back in response, clearly trying to work through something on her own.

“Your gun is vibrating or something. I don’t want to die,” she panicked. Sure, she could go up against demons and widows and all that, but the gun that was able to kill all of said things was stuck on her leg. She never claimed to be brave. In fact, she had always been told that being afraid was natural. It was what we did while afraid that determined whether we were brave or not.

And she was absolutely not brave at that moment.

“It does that sometimes. Especially if it senses something around it. You’re fine. Actually, this is good news,” Wynonna finished with a grin.

A beat of silence.

Or two…

Who knew?

Wynonna haphazardly threw the car into park upon reaching whatever destination she had stopped at and turned to look at Nicole, “aren’t ya gonna ask me why, Haught?” she grinned, much like cat stalking its prey. The quick intake of breath from Nicole’s mouth was involuntary. She knew that she could not spend the rest of her life living as Wynonna Earp while having to look at her own body as though it belonged to someone else.

With quick reflexes, she unbuckled herself from the seatbelt and slid over a fraction into the driver’s section of the cruiser, Peacemaker clutched firmly in her right hand. “Woah, there, down, Ginger,” Wynonna’s voice cracked, “that gun wont fire for you.”

Nicole slid the barrel of the gun down the side of what used to be her own face before letting it stop under her jaw, “do you really want to test that theory out, Wynonna? Because right now, it looks like I’m the crazy chick with a gun.” Nervous laughter fell from the redhead’s lips before lanky arms pushed her away.

Static began to fill the car, forcing the two girls to focus their attention on something other than their predicament. Nicole could easily recognize the sound that was bouncing off the walls of the cruiser, but she wasn’t Nicole Haught, officer. She was Wynonna Earp, loser. “Dispatch to Officer Haught,” a cheerful voice called through the scanner. She wondered if the tips of her ears would be as sensitive to blushing now that she wasn’t cursed with the pale skin that she had been cursed with along with her red hair.

“What do I do,” Wynonna shrieked.

“Just ignore it,” she pleaded, folding her arms and shoving Peacemaker back into its holder. She wasn’t as worried about the gun, especially since it had stopped its humming.

“Isn’t that like, I don’t know, illegal or something,” Wynonna panicked before grabbing at the radio that was attached to her uniform. Before she could accidentally respond to the call, Nicole lunged for the radio. The look on her face must have betrayed her because Wynonna’s eyebrow arched and a look of confusion graced her steely features. “Wait, why does this sound like-

“This is dispatch,” the voice called out again, only this time it was definitely more seductive in nature. She flushed and tried to turn the entire system off, only to, again, be bested by Wynonna. She didn’t know if the eldest Earp was just that much quicker than she was, or if it was her being stuck in the vigilant Nicole’s body. A sense of pride fell over her as she chose to believe it was because Wynonna was stuck in the body of a trained officer of the law, “looking for Officer Haught.”

“That’s-

“Hacked! This isn’t the right channel. I’ll, uh, definitely report this when I’m back in my own body,” she quickly word-vomited. “Let’s just turn this back onto the Purgatory frequency, yeah?” For the third time she reached out to turn the radio off, only to be swatted away again by an angry looking redhead.

Brown eyes met blue as a gloved finger pressed down on the transmission button. Wynonna sat up awkwardly straight as though she had some sort of stick shoved up her own ass and was being passed off as some sort of puppet. She gave Nicole a glare for good measure before clearing her throat, “this is Officer Haught,” she mocked. A second or two of fuzz and crackle before a giggle came through the airwaves.

“There’s a situation at the Earp,” the voice popped the p at the end of the last name before trudging on, “homestead.”

“Wait, what,” Wynonna made eye contact again before pointing at Peacemaker, “give me the gun,” she whispered.

“Officer Haught?” the radio crackled.

“Yeah, what,” Wynonna quickly responded, nerves frayed and confusion on her face.

“Nicole, are you alright?”

_No,_ Nicole thought to herself, _I am not alright. Your sister is an idiot. I’m stuck in her body. And you’re trying to initiate things with her that she should not know about!_

“Yes,” Wynonna cleared her throat, “I’m fine. What is the…situation?” she looked to Nicole, clearly confused about police lingo before scoffing, “what’s happening at the homestead?”

“Oh,” a breathy giggle and a confused Wynonna later, “your hands are needed on deck. It’s a…delicate situation, I’m afraid.”

“Okay, Wynonna, I think we should turn this off and focus on the important things…like, figuring out how to make this right again,” Nicole pleaded, waving frantically between the two of them. “Please,” she added for good measure.

“Waverly,” Wynonna gasped, “how are you? What?” A minute of awkward stares filled the cab of the car. “No,” she gasped in horror before throwing the walkie talkie across the car, “Ew! Ew! Ew! I just heard my baby sister trying to booty call you!” She lunged for Peacemaker and grunted upon realizing it was out of reach. As though realizing she was decked out in a full police officer’s uniform, she grabbed for the glock that was in the holster and held it out in front of her. “You’re a nasty, no-good, cop,” she spat, “and if it weren’t my babygirl I’d say…get it,” she leered, eyebrows waggling suggestively. “But also, gross.”

“Yeah, well, she’s expecting you to show up at the homestead now,” Nicole bitterly replied, exceptionally pissed that she was going to be missing some serious role-playing that night.

“Oh, fuck!” Wynonna grunted, slamming her head against the steering wheel.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, you can follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/mmetcalfe91) or [tumblr](https://superstitious-pigeons.tumblr.com)


End file.
